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I heard an interesting question this week from an employer of neurodivergent people, "how much unprofessional behaviour do I have to accept?" The answer, but the way, is none. But you also need to define professional, which is rife with bias and social norms, and is defined by what is intentional harm versus uncontrollable reflexes and distress. We have clear case law in the UK that states when a disabled person creates hostility at work with intentional, avoidable shouting and swearing that a business does not have to accept this as normal, irrespective of diagnosis. A person distressed and disabled by communication difficulties or emotional regulation needs help to manage, this is not the same as lowering the standard or excusing rudeness.
The fine line between reasonable and unreasonable is tricky to find. Consider these examples:
An uncontrollable tic of swearing insults. The adjustment is for colleagues to understand that this is not intentional, and to agree to ignore the tics. This approach is exemplified in the recent film, "I Swear", a dramatization of the life of John Davidson MBE.
An emotional overspill on limited occasions when an individual with sensory sensitivities and cognitive deficits (maybe ADHD, or Autistic) which limit emotional regulation. They may have recently experienced atypical frustrations. The adjustment is decompression time and for colleagues to understand that no harm is intended. The team work together in dialog to understand the cause of frustration and prevent where possible, to mitigate any damage to trust.
These all seem reasonable to me. But bear in mind only a court of law can determine reasonableness. Anything other than that is opinion.
When any individual does not engage in preventative actions to avoid emotional overspills that are NOT tics, when the intention behind shouting and swearing is to harm another, this does not need to be accommodated. Disabled or not. There are some work settings where emotional harm can be caused by any exposure to emotionally dysregulated staff. In these settings, we work with disabled people to prevent, but if this fails, we are not legally bound to accept it.
There are grey areas. In my work, I help employers to prevent, yes, but also to mitigate and repair. One of the issues with emotional overspills or insulting tics is that the people they are directed at are also humans, they have their own vulnerabilities. Something I have noticed about Touretters and many neurodivergent people is energy they invest in facilitating relationship repair. The tic, the sensory / emotional overwhelm is uncontrollable, but the desire to remain in rapport with their peers is strong. They don't need to be ashamed, but they do know that people need an explanation so that they don't take it personally. John Davidson's story exemplifies the honest intentions and genuine care behind the tics. Anyone interpreting this amazing human as rude is lacking emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence can be developed by most people, by the way, and yes, even neurodivergent people. It isn't always innate. Don't infantilize us by assuming we cannot take accountability, make personal progress. We don't need to make excuses or ignore the impact of neurodivergence. We need to engage our colleagues in dialogue. Things that are not spoken about become unspeakable. The eggshells we walk on are the problem, our nervousness about debriefing an uncomfortable encounter is what gives the encounter more impact. Neurotypicals, non-disabled people need the emotional intelligence to separate rudeness from unintentional tics and distress.
Rejection sensitivity is a very medicalized term for what happens when you are rejected so many times that it becomes traumatic and you feel it, deeply and viscerally. Hostile Attribution Bias is when you assume people will hurt you because so many people have. All this is understandable, and common for neurodivergent and disabled people. It is a logical reaction to traumatic experiences, but I have seen it destroy careers. When a hurt employee assumes the worst of their peers and manager, it feels offensive, harmful. And so a cycle begins. Unpicking these complex relationship dynamics is sophisticated work and requires an experienced coach or psychologist.
Paul Stevenson, a photographer and community ambassador with Tourettes was recently featured in the film, "I Swear". Stevenson explained his experience of finding his purpose in life through work:
"A diagnosis didn't stop or ease my tics, it didn't make me employable, and it didn't give me the strategies I needed to live my life. That part came much later. When I took part in the documentary "Employable Me" things began to change. Through a positive cognitive assessment, I discovered I had strengths. I'd seen glimpses of them before, but never realised they could be the building blocks for moving forward in a career. Understanding those strengths, and learning strategies to manage my challenges, helped me find a new sense of purpose.
Today I got an email from my old school friend. When we were kids, the headmistress told the two of us that we'd spend our adult lives in trouble. What she really meant was that we'd never amount to much. Well, today he told me he'd taken four copies of my book, "My Tics and Me" into his granddaughter's school and gifted them to the teachers to use in class and in the library, so that future generations can learn and be educated about difference. So they don't have to go through what we did as kids. It meant a lot to hear that from him. Because the truth is, my friend did spend most of his adult life in prison. He's had a hard life, but there's still kindness in him, still a wish to make things better for others. We were both written off when we were just boys, but here we are, trying to make the world a bit more understanding than the one we grew up in."
In the workplace diagnosis is still our focus. We're spending a lot of identifying clinical conditions that won't change and can't be easily treated with medication. I Swear touched lightly on diagnosis. What made a difference to Davidson's life was relationships. Acceptance. Working towards a goal. Helping others. As Stevenson says, finding his strengths. Employers can create the conditions for healing by appreciating the difference between what is, and is not, intentional. Seeing the best in people will always lead to loyalty and productivity. Wanting to add value, to live a life where you can contribute to your community is the essence of identity. Work can be a transformational healing journey, bringing dignity and purpose.
Touretters are, without doubt, the most emotionally regulated, cognitively controlled group of people I have ever met. They have to be, they have no choice. They are constantly managing other peoples' reactions, predicting and responding to perceptions of rudeness and helping unpick the dynamics of harm versus uncontrollable expression. This, right there, is a workplace skill and when a workplace reduces the impact of this emotional labour, we can find the talent and creativity underneath.