What We Do in the Shadows is consistently quotable, but these lines are the cream of the vampiric crop.
Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement's 2014 mockumentary film What We Do in the Shadows was already a hoot (that didn't "care where it dumped its scat") but the 2019-2024 FX series of the same name was even better. It was also a show that ran for exactly as long as it wanted, and went out on its own terms after six seasons before things became too stale (though, let's be honest, Seasons 5 and 6 showed a bit of a decline). With a few brilliant, winking cameos, phenomenal rapport between the group, and a willingness to explain the weird, it's a modern classic.
Before we get started, special mention must be given Nandor's repeated line "F-cking guy." Always a funny aside, e.g. to Guillermo about the ghost of Jesck a.k.a. Jeff, it's just a taste of how even the smallest line in the hands of What We Do in the Shadows can be absolutely hysterical.
What We Do in the Shadows managed to display incredible chemistry between the cast from the jump. This includes Doug Jones' The Baron, who briefly made his introduction in the pilot before getting plenty of time in the spotlight with "Baron's Night Out." The figurative spotlight, that is. And then, well, an open door's worth of actual light.
There are plenty of great lines in "Baron's Night Out," one of the show's genuinely perfect episodes. For instance, there's Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo's bickering about The Baron's motives for joining them on Staten Island. But the apex of the episode's hilarity is undoubtedly when they're at a bar, when The Baron is lamenting how his name is actually a way of making fun of him (it's The Barren, given his lack of genitals). It's a serious moment and The Baron wants to be cheered up. He wants to do something new now that he's awoken from his long slumber. He asks the other three vampires, "You know something that I've always wanted to try?" And, in an instant, Laszlo posits coprophilia (meaning sexual arousal from excrement). The Baron continues, "No. Pizza Pie. Is it as wonderful as they sa -- Coprophilia?!"
While the gang is sitting in their living room, half-listening to Nandor lecture them, Laszlo suddenly asks, "What is that disgusting, putrefied smell? Like a snake in heat?" Colin Robinson replies in typical deadpan fashion, "That may be me. I'm wearing a new cologne called 'Mr. Hijinks.'" Laszlo asks, "Aftershave?" Colin clarifies with, "It's a cologne-aftershave mix and I found it in the bathroom at work."
Him having found it in the bathroom and put it on is funny enough, but Colin's reason for doing so is even better. With squinted eyes and genuine interest, Laszlo inquires why Colin would use a cologne at all, to which Colin replies, "To annoy you." Laszlo throws up one hand and says, "Touche."
As the quartet of vampires are preparing to host an orgy (which they just hope will be better than Mike's) Laszlo introduces both the documentary audience and his beloved Nadja to his long, long history of starring in pornography. That is, when he and Nadja aren't barking orders at Guillermo to procure a group of virgins and necessary orgy items like a "non-stop butt machine."
As for Laszlo's IMDb page, he started in 1896 with A Very Randy Vampire where he played the lead role of the "Very randy vampire." He's clearly proud of this and his other cinematic accomplishments, including an incredibly '90s one clearly based on Seinfeld, so he takes the box of porn down from the attic to show his wife. But she doesn't give him the reaction he was so clearly craving. Instead, she calls them boring. Talking directly to the documentary crew's camera, he posits that it was probably because she didn't understand the plots.
Like the early seasons of South Park, What We Do in the Shadows is functioning at its peak when it revolves around a misunderstanding of a relatively basic concept. But, whereas in South Park it was four young boys failing to grasp the difference between "erection" and "resurrection," here it's three ancient vampires living in the modern world who hear "Super Bowl" and immediately think "Superb Owl."
That fundamental misunderstanding is just one element of "Brain Scramblies" that makes the episode an all-timer. Primarily because the vampires are so legitimately excited to meet the owl (spoiler alert, they don't). There are great moments like Nandor grinning at the camera, explaining they're dressing up for a "Superb Owl" party as the ever-lovable Guillermo stands behind him combing fuzzballs off his coat. Then there's Laszlo explaining how vampires have great respect for owls because they "don't give a hoot where they dump their scat." But Nadja gets the win with her blatantly and enthusiastically made-up story about why the party is so important to them, recallilng, "The party we're going to is celebrating Superb Owl, who is the greatest owl of all time." She then asks Laszlo, "Do you think we'll get to touch its little beak?" To which he replies, "Depends what mood he's in."
What We Do in the Shadows didn't have very many truly Colin Robinson-centric episodes, but "Colin's Promotion" showed just how hysterical a Colin A-plot could be. His line, "It's entirely possible that what rappers are saying is true. I mean, being boss is dope!" is also a true winner. But the B-plot, about a painting that's just been sitting around the house collecting dust, is also top-tier.
It's a painting of the village in which Nadja grew up. It's on fire and, riding away on a horse is a mystery man with long, black hair. Colin brings it to everyone's attention as part of his energy-feeding frenzy, primarily because he knows the mystery man with long, black hair is in fact Nandor. Eventually, Nadja comes to realize this as well, and when he denies it, she asks via a barked yell, "Then what the f-ck is Persian Frank Zappa doing on a horse?!" Laszlo chimes in with a simple, "Yeah, that's him." Equating Nandor to a Persian version of Frank Zappa is spot-on, and there's only one Nadja to Nandor line later in the series that is funnier.
When Laszlo swoops in and bites a would-be victim, he stops upon hearing someone drive by blaring Dexys Midnight Runners' "Come on Eileen." The would-be victim tells him it was a song from the '80s to which Laszlo replies, "Like Hell it was!" Infuriated, he returns home and has Guillermo pull the song up on his laptop at which Laszlo, like with his pornography, reveals to the audience that he had a prolific career as a musician, including one song called "Chum on Irene" which, in his words, was written in 1852 and was an "ode to the local fishmonger's mistress, Irene."
It's already really funny stuff, but it's Laszlo's frustrated assessment of the situation that gets people holding their sides. "I've been sh-t on! From a great height! It's not the first time." The first part of the line is humorous, and adding in the height element is certainly a deal-sealer when it comes to it being one of his best chunks of dialogue. But the real clincher is the fact that the audience pretty much gets immediately that when he says it's not the first time, he's referring to at least one other time when the getting "sh-t on" was a bit more literal.
Angry Nadja is the best Nadja. Especially when her frustration is vented on Colin Robinson, e.g. in Season 2's "Witches" when she yells "It's the same room, Professor Pig D-ck!" But, as seen in "Colin's Promotion," her screaming at Nandor can be side-splitting as well.
In Season 3's finale, "The Portrait," Colin Robinson has died and the remaining members of the oddball family are sitting for a Colin-free portrait, as is apparently tradition when a vampire passes. Painting that portrait is Donal Logue, who became a vampire after having fun shooting Blade. Nadja asks why they're rushing the whole procedure and makes a super deep-cut reference to one of Logue's projects, The Tao of Steve, from the early aughts. Nandor accuses Nadja of masking her feelings with a joke, to which she replies with this absolute atom bomb of a line. The writing is expertly crafted, sure, but it's Natasia Demetriou's note-perfect delivery that makes it one of the series' very best moments.
Season 2's "Ghosts" has quite a few really memorable chunks of dialogue. There's Laszlo accusing Guillermo of "monkeying around with his precious volumes," Nadja calling Laszlo "Doctor Arsehole," Colin Robinson's repeated attempts to get someone to ask, "What's up dawg?" or that same character's, "I'm sorry if my hands are a little oily. It's from my rash cream."
But there's also an argument for another line from Colin. As the four vampires discuss their origins and why ghosts of their former selves are visiting, Nandor says that he's unsure of how his energy vampire roommate came to be. Apparently, Colin himself is in the same boat, and he cheerily chimes in with, "Yeah, I'm not positive what my deal is, either. So, I just sort of keep on truckin'." At the very least it's the best use of "keep on truckin'" in comedy media history.