Lily Allen has revealed that she found herself in the midst of despair facing suicidal thoughts when it emerged that her husband, Stranger Things actor David Harbour, had been having a three-year affair behind her back. The singer and mum of two publicly split with her husband in December.
But it was during this time, she found herself on the brink of a relapse.
In a new interview with British Vogue, ahead of the release of her latest studio album, she admitted that she put herself into rehab as she was feeling as though she "wanted to die."
At the height of finding out that her husband, who she married in Las Vegas in September 2020, had been cheating on her, Lily revealed that she refused to use drink and drugs to ease the pain. A method that had worked for her in the past.
She told the fashion publication: "The feelings of despair that I was experiencing were so strong. The last time that I felt anything like that, drugs and alcohol were my way out, so it was excruciating to sit with those [feelings] and not to use them."
And this is why Lily, 40, made the brave decision to check herself into rehab in a desperate bid to avoid the temptation of using old coping mechanisms to help deal with her heartbreak.
She continued: "I've been into those places before against my will and I feel like that's progress in itself. [on her self awareness] That's strength. I knew that the things I was feeling were too extreme to be able to manage, and I was like, 'I need some time away."
At the time of checking herself in, Lily candidly admitted that it was due to the fact "that I wanted to die."
It's no secret that the star has had a troubled relationship with food in the past and in the middle of her break-up, the singer said things became "really, really, really bad."
She went on to say: "The feelings of despair that I was experiencing were so strong. The last time that I felt anything like that, drugs and alcohol were my way out, so it was excruciating to sit with those [feelings] and not to use them."
Lily, who shares two daughters with her first ex-husband Sam Cooper, is set to reignite her music career once again with an upcoming album inspired by her marriage to Stranger Things actor David.
But particular lyrics in one of her songs Sleepwalking, reveals her heartbreak in discovering that he had been cheating on her.
The song lyric says: "You let me think it was me in my head and nothing to do with them girls in your bed."
And in another song, titled Dallas Major, she wrote: "You know I used to be quite famous, that was way back in the day / I probably should explain how my marriage has been open since my husband went astray."
But when asked by the publication if the songs were her way of directly addressing her ex, she explained: "There are things that are on the record that I experienced within my marriage, but that's not to say that it's all gospel. It is inspired by what went on in the relationship."
At the time of putting pen to paper to compile her album, her latest in seven years, she said she felt a mixture of "Confusion, sorrow, grief, helplessness."
See the full feature in the November issue of British Vogue, available via digital download and on newsstands from Tuesday 21st October.