My husband of 20 years isn't attracted to me because I'm not thin. I'm not obese, but I'm definitely on the thicker side. I have a beautiful face, and although he thinks I'm beautiful, he isn't attracted to bigger women, so he isn't attracted to my body. We haven't had sex in years.
I've expressed my frustration, and he said I could sleep with other men if I want to, without letting him know about it. He says he hasn't met anyone and isn't cheating on me, but he can't just have sex with me without feeling attracted to me -- that he isn't "that type of man." I admit that I don't feel good about my body, but I think my face is cute. It hurts to be rejected by my husband when I'm an amazing woman. Do I lose weight for him and for the sake of our marriage? I don't want my marriage to be sexless for the rest of my life, but I also feel hurt that he focuses on my body size so much. I thought all men would be fine having sex with a woman who has a beautiful face.
If the question is whether you're asking for too much from the universe -- whether it's unreasonable to want a male partner who is attracted to you, no matter what size you are -- the answer is no. But if the question is whether you're asking for too much from the specific man you're married to, the answer appears to be, unfortunately, yes.
At the end of the day, you get to decide how much you're willing to cater to your husband's narrow preferences. It would be easy for me to fall back on popular feminist ideology and say, "He should accept you as you are, your body is beautiful, and you need to embrace it," but you're living in reality. You're trying to decide whether to lose weight in order to be able to have sex within your two-decades-long marriage. If other areas of the relationship are lacking, you're choosing between whether to stay or go. But if everything else is functional, or even great, the calculation is much murkier.
I am wondering whether the fact that you don't feel good about your body is a complicating factor here. Rejection based on how we look is easier to bear when we feel comfortable with ourselves. Also, any discomfort with our bodies tends to seep through into our sexual interactions and can be off-putting. Either way, it's the one thing you can control here, other than taking your husband up on his offers to have affairs or leaving him. There's a vast difference between making physical changes for yourself and making them for other people, so, if you go that route, try to stay focused on working toward feeling happy in your body and see whether that feeling of confidence shifts anything in your husband's response.
Dear How to Do it,
I'm a 48-year-old man, and I had an unfortunate experience with my wife, a 47-year-old woman, recently that left us a bit perplexed. I was going down on her, just with tongue, no fingers inserted, and she was coming close to climaxing. I often will squeeze her butt, as she (and I) enjoy that.
Suddenly, she had me stop everything as she was in pain. She described it later as her butt clenching hard, almost like a spasm (she said it felt like she was suddenly constipated?). We had to lie together for a while until the feeling passed and she was relaxed again, but it left us both a bit shaken. Have you ever heard of this? Should I encourage her to see her gynecologist about it? She's currently seeing a physical therapist for pelvic floor strengthening.
Your wife should start by reporting this to her pelvic floor therapist. This clenching is a new feeling that coincides with beginning pelvic floor strengthening, and could be related to the exercises. And, while you never know what a given doctor might have some additional knowledge in, gynecologists tend to focus on the reproductive parts and would likely refer you to a physical therapist for anything that seemingly has to do with muscles in that area. Good luck.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband's efforts in bed have gone downhill since we got married seven years ago. No more exotic sex positions, no more going down on me, no more using our sex swing. Now it's just five minutes of missionary, and then he passes out asleep! I've been resorting to masturbation aids, but I think he his being completely selfish and I don't know how much more I can take. Where do I go from here?
Why do you think your husband is being completely selfish? Have you tried to have productive conversations about this previously, and are basing that belief on statements he made during those discussions? Is he generally selfish in the marriage and around the home? Or are you jumping to a conclusion due to hurt feelings and media portrayals of men? These are all very different scenarios with different best next steps.
If your husband has indicated that he doesn't care about your sexual pleasure, consider having a firm and direct talk about that. Let him know that this situation isn't acceptable and what consequences there may be for the marriage if this continues. If he's generally selfish, go ahead and consider whether your requirements include shaping up in all areas, and what the consequences might be -- divorce or otherwise.
In the case that a conversation hasn't been had, though, get square with the fact that you have no idea what's going on and start gathering some facts. How's his health? Is he at the age where testosterone tends to drop? Is work stress a possible factor? And how have your interactions changed over the course of the marriage -- are one or both of you putting in less effort to be present with each other and to be enticing to each other? Use all of that information to help yourself come to the conversation from a place of sharing and wanting to find a solution together. Leave accusations out of it and focus on the way you're feeling -- frustrated and neglected is my guess, but you'll have to fill in the exact language for yourself. Ask him how he's feeling about the erotic aspect of your relationship. Suggest that you work as a team to find a way to move from where you are to where both of you want to be.
My wife "Pam" (54, F) and I (55, M) have been very happily married for a year after amicably leaving 25-year marriages. We feel very fortunate to have met a partner that we feel is a true match for each other. Neither of us has ever had sex outside of our marriages while we were married, though we have had other partners. Pam has an extremely strong sex drive and is game for virtually anything I can dream up. She satiates every fantasy I've ever had. However, in the course of verbally exploring fantasies during lovemaking, it became pretty apparent to me that Pam has some pretty deep desires...