We all know the Oscars have been through a rough patch. After years of declining ratings, the ceremony has srruggled to reclaim the cultural dominance it once possessed, and the Academy's annual assortment of harebrained new schemes to reclaim its relevancy have largely fallen flat: Presenters have flopped, contrived viral moments have come and gone (R.I.P. #OscarsFanFavorite award, we hardly knew you), and thanks to a PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant, they even announced the wrong best-picture winner a few years ago. I'm not the first person to say it, but the Oscars need an overhaul.
Well, worry not, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, for I have a plan. The only time anyone ever seems genuinely entertained during these ceremonies? When you bring out the animals! Remember the audience's visible delight when Jenny the donkey from The Banshees of Inisherin trotted onstage with Jimmy Kimmel back in 2023? (Or their fury later, when it was revealed she wasn't the four-legged performer from the film, flown over from Ireland, but instead a "random donkey" sourced from the Los Angeles area?) Or the collective joy upon witnessing Border Collie Messi, who took home the unofficial Palme Dog award in Cannes for his performance as Snoop in last year's Anatomy of a Fall, wave from his seat in a bow tie?
Moving forward, it's time we rewarded all of God's creatures for their unique contributions to the cinematic artform with an award for best animal in a supporting role. I want five past winners scampering on stage to present the nominations and cutaways to their rivals in the crowd clapping their paws. I want pet-size mani cams on the red carpet and a Fashion Police special dedicated to critters in couture. I want the ratings to skyrocket to unprecedented highs, then to receive an enormous check from the Academy in my mailbox.
Who should have been on the ballot in 2025? I'm so glad you asked. Here, I've helpfully assembled a list of my personal standouts from the past year in film. (Seriously, Oscars producer team: I want that check.)